I put my head on the pillow, and feel the total unrest of my body. The fragrance you left behind tells me that you are missing. Where shall I search for you? I drown myself in sheets for the vain attempt to find a position where I can feel your embrace. The earthly smell of fire and soil of your hair drifts me off to a drowsy sleep. To my elation I see a vision of you waiting for me on the other side of a bridge, protruding your hand in longing. Let’s celebrate this night in dream, inebriated with the taste of each other’s sweat.
ayahuasca, dance, dawn, death, discovery, drugs, kiss, life, love, meditation, Messenger, nature, now, photography, poetry, psychedelic, re-birth, reflection, search, sex, Spirituality, travelling, universe, woman
Do you know the feeling of when entering a cave, while outside the cold wind blows so hard that it tears off your skin – a devilish rupture? The first assimilation of the senses, is the welcoming warm humidity of the cave, a cosines that reminds me of home – the womb. Where all exterior sounds and noises fade in the echoing melody of water droplets falling gracefully to their destiny of rock. Placed myself in the depths of the cave, staring at walls that recited the story written in scars on my own body.
For Her, a name would be vain.
Her face, on each drop of rain.
The messenger that comes as thunder cutting through the sky,
silencing our secret dreams at break of dawn,
bringing the demise of our mediocre lies.
She won’t ignore our pleas, our cries,
but Her duty she must fullfill.
She will come to take with Her the children of night,
those that howl at the pale Moon,
those that dance like beasts around fire,
those that breathe the hurricane winds of stormy seas,
those that have fallen from Heaven to save what was once lost.
Let’s meet Her fury on the edge of time,
for yesterday and tomorrow death has come.
On rocky shores we will stand naked,
singing songs to Her and praises.
While the relentless waves carve the land in their own image,
blades of grass cut through the winds of change
– winds that burn History’s page.
The slaughter of time has saved us.
Greet Her with open hearts,
cause She is gentle,
She is a Mother,
A mysterious Lover.
There’s a place, a space, with no face – a connection between man and woman, so deep, so innocent, beyond the pleasures of body, where ego can’t even linger in its shadow.
It’s when you share a pair of headphones, while listening to a song, sitting at the shore, observing and listening to the sea as he sculptures the land with his salty waters in the background.
When you kiss the tears coming down from each other’s eyes, holding each other tight. Where the broad shoulder of man has purpose, to hold her head high, to the bluest of skies, while she cries. Together they go revisiting each other’s past and come back as new born children.
“I see the Sun hiding behind clouds, in her morning shyness.
She just woke up and yet She shines bright.
And those comforting words that She whispers to me,
So softly bring tears to my eyes;
“I love you child”
When we are given birth into this world, we are empty of knowledge, yet full of wisdom. With age, our families, society with it’s schools, employment, and structural programming of chaotic wants and neediness, start to teach us this and that. What time we have to eat. How to eat. What to dress. They try to shape us into something we are not. They try to make us believe that life is hard, so I have to be strong, tough, therefore I don’t have the luxury to feel cause I have to move on to the next thing, and next, and more, more…
The most magnificent journey we are presented with, is that of inner discovery. One that is limitless, where even the sky has no boundaries and the clouds are there to dance on. Most of us travel the Earth to get a sense of the sheer magnificence of all, others travel the dark corners of thought with drugs. Both situations isolate us from the chaotic world of social hierchy and false security. We realise that in Life there is no security. Life herself is a Goddess of insecurities. Through embracing that insecurity we become fearless. We enter a space of continuous newness…a state of godliness.
The unknown is always greater than the known. The known is limited by its own volume. The unknown doesn’t have volume, it cannot be contained.
Life is the journey of discovering one’s Self.
When I was a kid my parents satisfied most of my wants, although not instantly. Being that we are two boys, my parents always had to buy two of each thing. If it was a BMX or something else, my parents saved money, and we would get it for Christmas. They didn’t buy us unnecessary things, and we always had to wait for them. They were teaching us the value of things, together with the value of waiting. I never was the type to wait, and surely was the type that always want more. I would even manipulate my brother to let me play with his toys, so while my toys were all still brand new, his were all half broken. I wanted to see how the toy works, so I would use my brother’s for that.
Since a couple of weeks back, one of my wishes was to get in bed with as much women as possible. But from last week Life taught me better. I was deluding myself in the belief that freedom is having what I want, I was wrong! I realized that to have all that I wanted meant to focus on many things at once, to again manipulate and control circumstances in my favor, which resulted in total waste of energy. I realized that in trying to obtain these wants were distracting me from my own reality.
If it’s a woman, I decide to have one, for she deserves to be given true value, for our body is a temple, for I want to lessen the distractions that keep me from achieving my ultimate goal – Life!
What we are searching in other’s, is neglecting us in finding it in ourselves.
What are we afraid of finding in our Selves?
They say; “replace your negative thoughts with positive ones!” I say they are still thoughts. If I question the source of the negative thought, I will realize that I am. And what exactly is a negative thought, or a positive one for that matter?
Since my childhood I searched for something. As soon as I thought I had found it, I would realize that it wasn’t it. I searched for friends, lovers, a family in my own enemies, than finally I found something! I found drugs who could numb my pain. But still I kept on searching till I got exhausted and a neighbour to Death. This dark lady took care of me and said; “It’s not yet your turn my child. There are yet so many things I want you to fullfill in this lifetime. Please go and recite to people that I am not to fear, for they have misunderstood, mispoken, and misinterpreted me. I love you my sweet child, I am giving to you the gift of re-birth and baptise you under my name.”
From that moment my fears lessoned, I accepted the mortality and frailty of my human body. Finally the search was coming to it’s end, for in the absence of fear sprouted in me Love. Than I knew, aah! It was what I was looking for, the Love that comes from within. A source of creation through creativity. A Love that is not needy or dependant on others or outside sources.
If I am searching for fire, how will I know that is fire if I have never seen one?
I might see forests burning and celebratory bonfires, and I would say;
“Wow that’s nice, but that is not fire!”
– Is it?
Today I surrender to the fact that Life can’t and shouldn’t be understood. Today I relinquish the so-called Spiritual practices like Yoga, chanting sessions, and even decreased Meditation, for the simple reason that, there is one ultimate practice – Life! All things point to it, the simple breath, the bird on the tree, the flower and the bee, tell me to enjoy this experience, to let go and let the morning Sun’s light, the shadows of the night, flow in and through me. For I am made off all this that you see, and more.
The Half-Moon told me; “I am what you can’t see.”
Being in touch with life puts us in a place where we are constantly griefing the loss of something; the death of someone, forceful detachment brought on us by change for example. This is at least what I believe. A belief that I gained by being aware of what was going inside of me through the last year, when I quit drugs that were killing my body, mind and spirit.
It’s like when our birthday comes. We grief another year that has passed upon us, realizing how much more things we could have done, dreams we failed to realize, words we wanted to say to our loved ones but didn’t have to courage to express. Besides, no one likes getting one year older except for the young teeenagers. But while we grief for that year passed, subconciously we are making space for the new. A celebration started! We are celebrating that newly found space in us, in which fresh water will flow, giving life to some mesmerizing flower. That flower is you!
Some of us, like myself, ask the question; “but is it wrong to feel nothing or next to nothing when someone dies or departs?”
Yes, some of us don’t feel as much as they think they should, I am one of them. The thing is, that when we see Life as it is – Birth and Death, Death and Birth, we accept these losses as part of this great loving scheme of creation. So no, it’s not wrong to feel nothing or next to nothing, because you are one of us dancers that dance between the shadows and light, accepting the totality of Life!
We are here to dance in celebration of ourselves and others. To dance and sing all through our way to death!