Since my childhood I searched for something. As soon as I thought I had found it, I would realize that it wasn’t it. I searched for friends, lovers, a family in my own enemies, than finally I found something! I found drugs who could numb my pain. But still I kept on searching till I got exhausted and a neighbour to Death. This dark lady took care of me and said; “It’s not yet your turn my child. There are yet so many things I want you to fullfill in this lifetime. Please go and recite to people that I am not to fear, for they have misunderstood, mispoken, and misinterpreted me. I love you my sweet child, I am giving to you the gift of re-birth and baptise you under my name.”
From that moment my fears lessoned, I accepted the mortality and frailty of my human body. Finally the search was coming to it’s end, for in the absence of fear sprouted in me Love. Than I knew, aah! It was what I was looking for, the Love that comes from within. A source of creation through creativity. A Love that is not needy or dependant on others or outside sources.
If I am searching for fire, how will I know that is fire if I have never seen one?
I might see forests burning and celebratory bonfires, and I would say;
“Wow that’s nice, but that is not fire!”
– Is it?
Being in touch with life puts us in a place where we are constantly griefing the loss of something; the death of someone, forceful detachment brought on us by change for example. This is at least what I believe. A belief that I gained by being aware of what was going inside of me through the last year, when I quit drugs that were killing my body, mind and spirit.
It’s like when our birthday comes. We grief another year that has passed upon us, realizing how much more things we could have done, dreams we failed to realize, words we wanted to say to our loved ones but didn’t have to courage to express. Besides, no one likes getting one year older except for the young teeenagers. But while we grief for that year passed, subconciously we are making space for the new. A celebration started! We are celebrating that newly found space in us, in which fresh water will flow, giving life to some mesmerizing flower. That flower is you!
Some of us, like myself, ask the question; “but is it wrong to feel nothing or next to nothing when someone dies or departs?”
Yes, some of us don’t feel as much as they think they should, I am one of them. The thing is, that when we see Life as it is – Birth and Death, Death and Birth, we accept these losses as part of this great loving scheme of creation. So no, it’s not wrong to feel nothing or next to nothing, because you are one of us dancers that dance between the shadows and light, accepting the totality of Life!
We are here to dance in celebration of ourselves and others. To dance and sing all through our way to death!